Prolifically Raw: Mistakes I've Made

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Mistakes I've Made

I used to think I made so many mistakes, I used to tell myself that other people seemed to get "life" better than I did, I used to curl in on myself, in response to this perceived lack of skill in the area of human existence. I used to believe I was a failure at life and had the track record to prove it: The friendships gone south, the disappointment over lovers who burned so bright and then faded away, the failed marriages (two), the literary agents who were bad for me, the bills that piled up and became too much debt, the wine I drank, the food I ate, the times I wasn't the best mother the kids could have and on and on and on.

Woe is me. Woeful. That was me.

I used to imagine that the best solution for myself was complete and utter isolation. I was estranged from the world.

Until I was born again.

No, not that way.

I was literally born in that I found the woman who gave me life. I had never known my mother, nor did I know the importance of knowing her until I stumbled into research on the human bonding process and it's simple hormonal elements. Once I stopped reading into the basics of human biology, I wanted to ping myself upside the head.

How obvious.

Didn't I know all this? Afterall, I had my own children and had heard, from my obstetrician and lactation consultants, the importance of early bonding strategies that required my physical presence. Even a governmental site from Child Welfare gives advice for new mothers, "The best gift you can give your baby is YOU. The love and attention you give your baby now will stay with him or her forever and will help your baby grow into a healthier and happier child and adult."

This site does not say the best gift you can give a baby is to leave her in the hospital to fend for herself through the complex myriad of survival mechanisms that will kick in once she is abandoned to stranger. No one seems to want to talk about the fact that a baby, naturally, goes through such a shock to the system, that she will literally shut down a huge part of her humanness in order to survive. The government site on human welfare issues this statement to new mothers, "Attachment is a deep, lasting bond that develops between a caregiver and child during the baby’s first few years of life. This attachment is critical to the growth of a baby’s body and mind. Babies who have this bond and feel loved have a better chance to grow up to be adults who trust others and know how to return affection."

I was held by my adoptive mother, I was cuddled and she attempted direct eye contact in order to give me a sense of safety and of being loved but it didn't work. I resisted her, denied her and became stiff in her arms. I wanted my mother.

Do adopted children actually bond and attach or do they adapt and reconfigure? Based on personal experience (and what is better to turn to) I would suggest the latter. What you have in your arms is a miraculous creature who has shaped, for survival, to the environment she is presented with. You have compliance combined with amnesia.

I would suggest that adoptees, especially those who have yet to pursue reunion, suffer from a form of the Stockholm Syndrome which is the term for a condition that evolves between an aggressor and the victims in situations such as hostage negotiations, kidnapping, and abuse (Auerbach, Kiesler, Strentz, Schmidt, & Serio, 1994; Graham et al., 1988). The main symptom of Stockholm Syndrome is the development of positive feelings on the part of the hostages for their captors or abusers. The hostage is, of course, the baby. What choice does an infant have about her situation? She clearly isn't happy, look at the way she cries, screams, becomes stiff and totally rejects any caregiver other than the birth mother.

Am I saying that adoptive parents kidnap children? Not intentionally, or consciously even. I would say that society has put up such a veil of denial that we don't even know what we are doing. We are part of a system that has legalized separating babies and mothers. We've even made adoption "special" and "unique". But we are still missing what is really happening. A bonded pair, mother and child, are pulled apart and the two parts are required to repair the ripped systems. Babies undergo PTSD, just like any other helpless victim. Blessedly, babies also undergo amnesia and they adapt. But that doesn't make them grow into being happy, fulfilled individuals who trust the world. Case in point, me. Look at the way I lived my own life and look at how I live now. Finding my mother, meeting her, talking to her and even bonding (to the degree an adult is capable of bonding after being kept secret for more than four decades), has set me free.

I do not curl away from the world anymore. I do not berate myself for not getting "humanness" right. I am like other people, I try, I do my best, I apologize when I screw up, I move on. I am on a level playing field with the world now. I am not estranged from humanity but am a part of it. Finally. I have been born.

My daughter is eight years old. She sees the world as a safe place. She trust others and know how to return affection. She looks at mistakes this way. "That was another chance to practice getting it right."

She is a bonded child who had a mother who stayed. She is blessed to be alive. We both are.